Words

The last month has been something close to chaotic. I got mono, for the third time. My friend, Heather, had a full-term baby, just to have her immediately admitted to the NICU because she wasn't breathing (she's home now). Japan was nearly shaken right off the world by a terrible earthquake, followed by a tsunami that literally just washed people away. Julia's mother was diagnosed with stage IV brain cancer, and was not given much hope from the doctors...

My heart is just heavy. When all of these things happened I thought two things.  The first thing I thought was a string of curse words.  The second was a bunch of mumbo jumbo bible verses, that out of context sound like God will simply make all of these problems disappear, because He loves us. Both of these thoughts were, and are, unfruitful in every possible way. What this showed me about myself is that my foundation is weak. I am not rooted in scripture to the point where my brain immediately jumps to what is true, and what is right. 

Life is hard, and our hope isn't here. If my hope is in the things that this world has to offer, then I am doomed to drift hopelessly from one trial to the next. Feeling let down at every pain and struggle. I feel like I am an acrobat on the tight rope; I am trying to walk a micro-thin line between the side where God can heal, and he might, and that He is good, and the other side where God might not heal, but that He's still good. God is good, or He isn't. The Word is true, or it isn't. There just isn't a lot of wiggle room in between.

When my nephew, Gavin, died. I prayed so much for healing that when he died, I felt as though God had let me down.  I had deceived myself into thinking that God's goodness was determined by whether or not He did what I wanted. My self-centered religion had created a god that was all-powerful, but that power was at my disposal.  When my genie god didn't grant my wish, I wanted to stop loving him, and stop worshipping him.

God isn't my genie. But, He granted me one wish.  He gave me salvation.  He gave me the only gift that really matters. He saved me from the wickedness inside me, that would leave me doomed for a much longer time than this world.  He's granted this wish for Julia's mother, Iris, too. The God that we love, is good, and true, and faithful, and all powerful... no matter what happens here.  I want to keep adding to His promises.  I want to misquote scripture so that I feel like He's promised to heal Ms. Iris. I want to take them out of context so that I can feel like if we all just pray hard enough, that everything will work out the way that I want it to.

What I want to want though, is to submit myself to the actual truth of scripture.  The truth that says that God is capable of all things. He is good whether I feel like it's true or not. He keeps all of His promises. Ms. Iris believes these things.

Let the weak say "I am strong".