Trials for growth?

My faith is taking some blows lately, and I'm trying to struggle through the idea that trials can actually make us stronger, and bring us closer to the Lord. I know that this is true in theory, and I know that I'm as stubborn as they come, but I really really really really wish that God would take a more active role in my life and just go ahead and make me the way that he wants me without my participation. Because it sure seems like for me to get the message I have to get stomped in the mean time.

On one hand I appreciate the freedom of choice, but on the other it doesn't seem like it would be too shabby to be a puppet on a string. I'd make much fewer missteps if God would just go ahead and grab me by the ankles and walk me down the path of righteousness. But my love for Him would be like that of a prisoner for a kind prison guard... that sounds less ideal.

I think that I've convinced myself that my perspective of my surrounding circumstances is accurate and therefore the heat should be turned down, because I've already learned what I need to learn, but God seems to have a different perspective because the hits just keep coming. I want to challenge my thinking that God would not only allow, but possibly cause hurt for the purpose of refinement... I'm not 100% certain this is accurate thinking. While I know that the gift of salvation is so complete, and so undeserved, that any struggles in the meantime shouldn't be viewed as insult, because the war will be won in the end, I can't help but feel like a loving God should protect me from any and all circumstances that could cause any pain, for any amount of time. But then I think of how I parent my own children, and how I have taken inventory of a situation, and decided to let the boys experience suffering in one way or another as long as I think the result won't be death. For example, if my kids decide that they don't want to eat what I've fixed for lunch, I have allowed them to not eat, but I won't feed them again until dinner. They think this is slow cruel torment, and it ruins their little day. I make the calculated decision to let them experience hunger with the purpose of teaching them they need to eat what they're offered. When I have this perspective I can see that a loving creator could allow suffering in our lives, even to the point of death, because our eternity is safe in Him. I want to make the most of our time here, because I want my life to lead to legions of others to join me safe in the arms of God. If what it takes to make me, bull headed Jessica, efficient for the gospel, is some refinement that comes from temporary struggle, shouldn't that be worth it?

Or is that even really the goal? Is that even the purpose of trials, or do trials simply happen without purpose? I think sometimes that we, Christians, can over analyze a situation and find life disappointing because we're looking for significance in events that hold no real value. I think that we sometimes just make life the way we want it. I think that maybe circumstance is neutral and it is what we make it. While my struggle with forgiveness these last few months has led to a deeper understanding of forgiveness the topic, and forgiveness that I've been granted, the struggle could have broken me and turned me away from the Lord. This thought leads me to the fear that God is even less involved than I think, and that life has been set in motion and we just get to deal with it the way that we chose and the end result is the same no matter what call we make.

In the end I suppose that the call to holiness outweighs the underlying reasons behind trials and that the reason, cause, involvement of God, purpose, or whatever is not really ours to know. I believe that God is good. He is holy. He is compassion and love. He is graceful, merciful, just, and good. With that in mind I should praise him through my circumstance even if I feel blindfolded with my ears covered and my feet chained while I stumble through a brier patch, because I trust Him. I'm not there yet... but I'm trying. And I DO believe that I am loved and redeemed. My God is good. Better than I deserve.

"'Tis not that I did choose Thee, For Lord, that could not be; This heart would still refuse Thee, Hadst Thou not chosen me... My heart owns none before Thee, For Thy rich grace I thirst; This knowing, if I love Thee, Thou must have loved me first."