I have continued to contemplate the meaning of forgiveness; the reason for it, how to do it, what it looks like, if I can accomplish it, if I even want to accomplish it, the worldly view of it, the heavenly view of it, and on and on and on and on. Like just about everything else I try to wrap my mind around, this is turning out to be one of those things that I could spend years studying and only realize that I've uncovered another small portion of a very large concept; one that will probably not be fully revealed to me until my blinders are removed for good.
I was really encouraged after my brainstorming session that left me with the conclusion that forgiveness seems to be about restoring my relationship with the Lord, not about restoring my relationship with the people I'm trying to forgive. I am still encouraged, but I am struggling with the habitual assumption that forgiveness is only complete if you get and give hugs. Big hugs. Meaningful hugs. Yes, friends who know me, I want hugs after every conversation. I feel reassured and comforted by physical touch, and without it things just still feel wonky. I think that I will learn to make forgiveness one of the things that I clothe myself with every morning and I'll have to decide to walk it out even though it feels intangible. One morning I think I'll wake up and realize that it's concrete.
The next stage of my homework is to think a little more intellectually about what forgiveness is, so I'm doing a bit of a bible study on the topic. As instructed, I'm keeping this minimal so as to not exceed the 20% intellect ceiling I've been given.
The most recent passage that I've read through on forgiveness is in Matthew 18. It's the parable where Jesus tells his followers about a servant who has been forgiven a massive debt by his master, but then that same slave goes out and has a man imprisoned for a much smaller debt against him. "You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?" This one read like a punch to the gut because I have certainly not had my forgiven debt at the forefront of my mind, when considering how and if to forgive others. I even think, because money is such a tangible thing, that trying to imagine my sin as a dollar amount of debt having been wiped clean, could help me to realize just how humbly I should be willing to forgive any debt owed me. I will always come out on top of that deal.
The next verse that I've been thinking about is Ephesians 4:32 where it says, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Tenderhearted is the word that sticks out to me from this, because that's the furthest thing from accurate when describing my heart right now. My heart is hurt and hard and resentful. I think that describing our behavior towards one another as kind and tenderhearted describes just how emotional forgiveness must be, because kindness comes out of a tenderhearted state of regard. The verse before that one says, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice." These are the disciplines that I will have to exercise when considering the individuals for whom I am working out forgiveness.
All of this is still a major work in progress for me, but I do feel like God has provided me with the resources to come back to fellowship with Him, and that I will be able to succeed in having a softened heart towards those who wrong me. I think that at the end of this I may just be a more graceful, forgiving person. That might make all this pain worth it.
Luke 17:4 "and if he sins against you seven times in a day, and turns to you seven times, saying 'I repent', you must forgive him."
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